unlikely

2005-11-11T17:55:00.000-08:00

my semester is winding down.
so many papers and projects.
i remember how i felt when i
decided to take the leap to quit my job
as a social worker and go back to school
full time.
i wanted to make a better life for myself and
my two children.
becoming single,
becoming me,
becoming a therapist.....
i still have a year to go in this program.
next semester i'm to start my practicum.
so what that means for me....
finish this semester the second week
of december.
have a baby girl the third week....
and then return to school the second
week in january.
can i do it?
i'm going to try.
because i will have THREE beautifuls,
three that need me to get this degree.
so that i can show them a strong, competent
woman who accomplishes what she sets out to do.
and to tell you the truth,
i need to show ME that i can do this.
so i keep telling myself i can.
and i will.
i hope.
i hope.

i'm jealous

2005-11-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

that he can keep the secret when he goes out.
he can glance this way and that,
cast his eyes downward,
smile at those who want him.
and they don't know.
i'm jealous.
that his testicles don't produce
milk,
that his penis remains smooth and unscathed,
that there will be no stretch marks,
pot marks,
scratch marks....
i'm jealous.
that he can put his head down on his pillow at night,
and not travel to the toilet,
peeing every third or fourth hour.
close his eyes and wake up rested,
agile,
that he can jump out of bed,
walk naked to the shower without lunking from
side to side or
bumping into the wall,
wondering what he will put on his body that will
actually cover his tummy and hide his ever growing
ass.
i'm jealous.
that he can have drinks with beautiful women,
conversation and flirting,
teasing,
mystery,
and they don't need to know.
and of course....
he doesn't need to tell them.
i'm jealous.
that he can say his life has changed too,
but continue to live as if it hasn't.
.........
it's not always this way.
i don't always feel jealous,
and sad
and lonely
and scared.
but today i do.
i think tomorrow will be different.

do you know what happened?

2005-11-06T08:12:00.000-08:00

i woke up.
and i got scared.
i wanted to read.
but i didn't know what you would say.
so i just stared at the black template.
i stared at it and looked down at the comments.
i went back to bed.
i didn't sleep, of course.
because i don't.
i feel like my grandma.
she used to tell me she hadn't slept since
her last child moved out.
at the time that was about 35, 40 years or so.
one time i remember waking her up.
she fell asleep in the chair during one or our
boring visits.
i commented that she DOES sleep.
because i had just woken her.
she said,
"that wasn't sleep. that was me resting my eyes..."
maybe that's what i do now.
i just rest my eyes.
anyway.
i read them.
and you all were so wonderful.
not that i expected any less.
it's just...
well,
that denial thing.
i seem to go into that instead of facing things.
i live in a balanced place between reality and fantasy
and i've been trying hard to push for the reality place.
jen, do you still have my email address?
my outlook doesn't work on this computer
and it's new so i lost all of my information.
could you email me and then i'll email you back?
thank you so much, everybody.
i truly have written to you so many times as i
focused on the dark ceiling of my tiny apartment
as i tried to "rest my eyes".
i would tell you things and explain that i hadn't forgotten
you all but i was just shut down for a while.
i think when my body began to be taken over,
i just relinquished my mind as well.
not that i'm not fine with this little girl.
i am.
in fact,
we've become somewhat of a team.
as i lie still late in the night, to early morning
she rolls in me like a carnival ride and i tell her
things that i'm thinking and ways we will be once she's
made her appearance.
remember i said i'm calm?
yeah.
i am.
but still nervous.

unlikely

2005-11-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

it's almost 11:00. i don't sleep very much these days.
i can't.
so much to think about.
i've missed you all.
i've wondered about you.
i couldn't bear to write or to look at your blogs.
i couldn't go back because i had to keep going forward.
and i have.
i'm in my eigth month of pregnancy.
they say she will be born december 23.
my third girl.
it's been quite a ride.
i've always lived recklessly.
too recklessly.
and now i'm calm.
i'm nervous.
but calm.
i keep looking at "eigth"....
did i spell that right?
did i spell that right?
then nine.
nine.
and then she's born.
micaiah.
that's her name.
there's much to tell.
i want to talk about it but i'm not sure how to.
can you take me back?
sorry, jen.
i couldn't talk.
and sha.
rick.
edge.
i couldn't talk at all.
it's still hard.
i want to know how you have all been.
it's going to take me a while because.....
like i said.
i couldn't.
but i'm trying.
and i've thought so much about you all.